Toilet Seats and Potato Salad

I don’t know the reason why women want men to put the toilet seat down. I mean, let’s suppose that one night I get up to use the bathroom, it’s dark and I forget to put the seat up before I pee. I’m going to pee all over the toilet seat (in all honesty, I’m probably going to pee all over the seat even if it’s up — it’s just more fun that way) and if you’re a woman, you are most likely going to go in there later and sit on a seat full of urine. I’m assuming that women just sit down on the toilet without looking, because if you girls walked into the bathroom with your face pointed in the direction of where you’re going to sit then none of this would be a problem.

So what’s going to happen is you’ll probably end up sitting on the seat that I just peed on, since I’m certainly not going to be cleaning it up. That’s someone else’s job, like the girl who delivers the mail or someone from the escort service. If she’s from the escort service she’s going to have plenty more things to clean up, like her own vomit, so she probably won’t mind a toilet seat. But the point is, I’m not cleaning it. That kind of thing is woman’s work, like mowing the lawn or taking out the trash. And when I say trash I mean actual garbage – not immigrants.

Speaking of immigrants, don’t ever go for that Russian mail order bride shit. I mean, you get them all the way over here and they don’t even want to have sex. If I wanted a woman who doesn’t like sex I would have gotten an American woman. Anyway, after you manage to talk them into it with rational discussion / threat of pistol whipping, they’re gone the next morning when you wake up, never to return. I don’t think I’ll ever figure out how she managed to cut through the ropes. Now, the woman being gone in the morning — or preferably that night — is fine with me, but getting taken like that really made me look like a sucker in front of my girlfriend. I’m telling you, stay away from those Russian broads, and Russian cuisine too for that matter unless you like antique pickled cabbage. Oh well, at least Katrina’s facial hair covered up the cold sores. Meanwhile, I’m out $1200 bucks. That was the worst weekend I’ve had since that time I went to that place in Pennsylvania, and when I say “that place,” I mean anywhere.

But the good thing about weekends is you get a lot of chances to make up for a bad one. Weekends always come back, just like herpes, except you don’t have to tell people about weekends before you have sex with them. I think. In any case, the drugs they use now to treat herpes make people vomit and destroy their livers, but if they’re real Americans, they probably spend their weekends vomiting and getting liver damage anyway. And with the drugs, it’s still possible to transmit herpes — you just can’t see the little bumps. Way to go Valtrex!

So what was I talking about? Oh yeah. What does any of this have to do with putting the toilet seat down? I don’t know. But the thing about toilets is you can’t catch herpes from them, which is good, because I like to use them to clean myself up before dinner engagements if the facility isn’t equipped with a bidet. Just to be on the safe side though, I think I’ll stay away from toilet seats, which means I’m not touching them to put them down after I pee. It also means I’m not touching them to put them up before I pee. As for number two, I’ll probably just shit under the couch cushions like I do when I spend the night at a woman’s house. Hey, I’m only kidding. I never spend the night at a woman’s house. I leave after I ejaculate on her roommate and/or sister and then go into the fridge and piss in the potato salad. Why do women always have leftover potato salad in their refrigerators? Probably because it’s gross and nobody likes it, but gals, if you leave a big bowl of potato salad in your refrigerators, you might as well put a sign on top of it that says, “piss in here.”  I just can’t pass it up.

Anyway, I think I was talking about urinating on hookers, right? I like to do it in the bathtub if possible, because I still haven’t figured out a way to get the smell out of my car. But that’s my problem I guess. What I’m really trying to say here is, I would appreciate it if you or someone you know cleaned my bathroom. If you do it, I’ve got some nice potato salad that you can take home. Don’t worry if it tastes a little like Miller Lite.

In conclusion, stay away from my toilet.

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