Last week, I found a 24-hour pharmacy that’s located near my house. I wish I would have known about it sooner, because buying Astro-glide in the middle of the afternoon was starting to get a little embarrassing. The last time I was at the drugstore, I purchased a few more things than I could comfortably carry up to the register and I ended up fumbling with them and dropping everything as I tried to put it all on the counter. I went to pick it up and noticed that I was about to purchase baby oil, Kaopectate, condoms, and a blank videotape. It must have looked a little strange, because everyone else in line was trying to get their children to look away.
“Dylan, Haley-Ruth, why don’t you go wait for Mommy over by the one-hour photo counter?”
Hey, if they had any parenting skills at all, they already would have had the talk with their kids about using baby oil to whack off instead of shampoo. You wouldn’t think so, but shampoo hurts. Somebody should tell kids that in school instead of pushing all that other useless information on them. Let’s face it, no one will ever need to know how to do long division by hand or know who our first president was, but I think we should spread the work that shampoo will remove the epidermis from your cock. This is the kind of thing that could really spare someone some trouble later on.
Anyway, I figured everybody was standing there on line, thinking to themselves that I must get a little nervous whenever I’m going to videotape myself sodomizing the girl who works at Hallmark. They probably thought that I get agitated and it upsets my stomach or something, in which case I would need the Kaopectate. But that’s not true. I don’t get nervous at all. My stomach was upset from eating shellfish, and I hate having an upset stomach when I’m trying to perform on tape. It really ruins the mood. By the way, you’re taking you’re life in your hands when you eat shellfish. That shit is poison.
Anyhow, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, so if you’re talking about sodomy, I think it’s the woman’s responsibility to provide the baby oil. I mean, it’s more her concern than mine, right? I think I read something about baby oil causing condom’s to deteriorate and rendering them ineffective. They say you’re supposed to use a water based lubricant, but I’m sick of paying $14.95 for that shit. Hey, I’ve got a water based lubricant for you. It’s called water. If you’re going to engage in any kind of intimate activity with me, you’re probably going to want to use some water to rinse off your soul afterwards, so you’ll probably have a bucket handy anyway. As long as its not bottled water. I’m not paying for that.
Getting back to the 24-hour pharmacy, I purchased one 40 pack and one 12 pack of prophylactics and then the woman at the counter gave me a buy-one-get-one-free coupon, charged me for the 12 pack and gave me the 40 pack for free. Isn’t that great? Now I have enough contraceptive devices so I can use half of them to make Christmas tree decorations with, and the other half to fill with urine and throw at Quaker meeting houses. Yeah, maybe you’re saying to yourself “he shouldn’t so that sort of thing,” but don’t worry about me. What’s a Quaker gonna do? They don’t even fight back when you hit them. Seriously, have you ever fought a Quaker? It’s easier than beating up a 13 year-old, or a Canadian.
I guess what I’m really trying to say is, wasn’t that a nice lady that gave me the buy one get one free coupon? I would’ve kissed her if she didn’t look like Gregg Allman had all his teeth knocked out. But on second thought, what’s a woman need teeth for? I’m not looking at the face anyway. Teeth are just weapons she can use against me when she finds out I’ve been using her credit card to pay for phone sex. I don’t really like phone sex though because you can’t see the disappointed look in the eyes of the woman afterwards, and that’s half the fun. Without it, what’s the point?
Basically, everybody should be friendly and obliging like the lady who gave me the free coupon. It takes a kind heart to give someone free condoms. How difficult would it have been for one of those slovenly soccer Moms to help me pick up my lubricant and anti-runs pills? Or use the opportunity to educate her 4-year-old on the merits of contraceptives? Is that too much to ask? It’s because of people like this that I seek the comfort of an empty 24-hour pharmacy. The people there understand me. They avoid making eye contact with me. And they give me free stuff in order to spite the corporation that employs them. They know how to treat people.
So I ask you, my friend, if you see me in your local drugstore in the middle of the day and I drop the items I’m about to purchase, please help me pick them up. You’ll feel better for doing it. And if you work the night shift at CVS, I’ll see you soon.